The Sun is getting hotter!

Once more The Sun delivers gold. Proper gold, not fools gold, proper gold.

That's 2 in a week, they have been very very good boys and girls and i hope they all get a nice Christmas bonus.

Also, whilst out i saw this.

I must say this is the first bit of tree graffiti i have ever seen.

It shall be called Graffitree.

The Sun always shines

More brilliant work from The Sun.

I love this story, i think it is going to keep giving and giving.

I can even see a film being made out of it.

'The Darwins'.

It will star Steven Fry as John, and Matt Lucas playing Marjorie Dawes as Anne. It would be brilliant. I might even approach them before they get bunged in jail.

(Imagine, that bloke who does all the voice overs to Amercian Rom Coms) 'From the makers of 'I didn't do it' and 'So long fatso 3' comes 'The Darwins'. He liked watersports, she just wanted to live in Panama'

There is alot of money to be made here.

Fairwell, i'm off for a paddle.

Arise Mark Denton

We had Mark Denton come to chat to us at work the other morning. He is an amazing chap. A real inspiration.

He has had various jobs in advertising and is know a Director, but it was how he has got there that is the ace bit about his story.

He basically has gone through his career thinking of things to do and then doing them, getting people to give him free stuff along the way.

He has just created this book on Mexican Wrestlers, we have one at work, it is beautifully put together, and basically he got it printed for free!

As something to do he then went into a studio and took loads of photos as him dressed as this old football character. To cut a long story short, this character then ended up in the National Football Museum in Preston.

Anyway, throughout his career he has helped people out, one of which was a typographer freind of his.

He ended up giving her the idea for this poster, just to get her noticed...

After he had finsihed his presentation i went up and asked how to get hold of one of those posters as i rather liked it. He said 'oh, glad you liked it, i'll send you one'. I thought it was a lovely thing to say and that nothing would ever happen.

This morning, wrapped up like a christmas present i get one of the poster, one of 500 none the less.

Thanks Mark Denton, i would say you are a gent and scholar.

I have even asked him if i can star in a film he is making with Ray Winston.

Don't ask, don't get. Remember that!

Bogeys!

On dear oh dear.

We got Croatia in our qualifying group for the World Cup 2010.

So?

No no, haven't you heard, they are another of Englands 'bogey' teams. Just like Germany.

Basically the teams that are much better than us, and continually beat us, are going to become our 'bogey' teams.

Come on Croatia join the list, there, between 'Aa' for Argentina and just above 'Gee' for Germany, that's it, well done,

Soon, most of the Worlds international teams will appear on our bogey list.

The press totally don't help either. The Sun, front page 'Oh no it's Cro'. Generally, I praise the writers of that beautiful establishment, but come on, hasn't something better happened over the weekend, '11 year old Mother exposed', 'Lady Di new affair uncovered'. Anything but this!

Balls to that 3 - Football 0

That ain't chili, that's well hot!

I was just in Virgin, well, no, i was in Zavvi, which if you ask me sounds like a kebab house, anyway, i was in Virgin, well, no, i was in Zavvi, which if you ask me sounds like a kebab house, anyway, i was in Virgin, and i saw this...

...Please try and tell me that that isn't the best game title you have ever seen in your life!

I think a genuine miracle has occured.

Anyone got a piece of white sliced and a couple of sea bass, i feel another miracle approaching.

Foot balls to that!

We aren't going to be in Euro 2008 and Steven has lost his job.

Can i say, i am actually rather happy about both points.

I like football, prefer rugby, but i just think we need to get rid of all the names in the England team.

For 8 years they have tried to play Frank and Steve along side each other, and for 8 years it has not worked.

Dave Beckham played twice, whilst the punters admitted he wasn't match fit.

Rio Ferdinand runs around whilst we all know he is lazy.

But look at all the players who were injured..........SHUT UP!!

How ever has all this been allowed to happen?

Where is all the new talent?

We ended up with the same points as Israel, that brilliant football nation!

I don't understand any of it! Have i missed something? Are you keeping something secret from me? Are you?

And, how in the lords name do Geoff Thompson and Brian Barwick keep their jobs. They are the fools that gave 124th choice McClaren his job, so they should be out too, shouldn't they?

Lets just hope they do the right thing and think about it before jumping in and giving the job to someone we all hate!

Listen to your public you idiots!

I don't want to think about football anymore! It bores me!

Goodbye.

The power of names.

Well i must say it got me thinking.

Names, aren't they brilliant.

In my last post I spoke about Jonathan Ross, but refered to him as Johnny Ross. Making him feel a very different man.

David Beckham. Strong, leader, stylish. But make him Dave Beckham, then he's a Loss Adjuster from Stevenage.

There's more.

Brad Pitt. Square jawed spunk. Bradley Pitt. IT consultant from Luton.

Victoria Beckham. Pointless women with no known skill yet is everso rich and considered an icon. But making her Vicky Beckham tells an entire different story. Now she turns into a pointless women with no known skill yet is everso rich and considered an icon.

Think of others, they are with you everyday.

Alas..ka..ka..ka!

I went to see 'Into the wild' last night.

Not sure if you have heard about it, but it is a true story about this chap who 'A grades' college and turns down Harvard to hitch hike across America.

He basically hated everything about society, especially his parent, so cuts up his bank cards, gives his college fund to Oxfam, burns his social security info and basically hikes to Alaska with some clothes and a tent, oh, and a gun.

Anyway, I don't want to give it all away, but I highly recommended that you go and see it as his story is amazingly told, beautifully put together, sensationally shot, and makes you question it all (that last bit was the sort of cack Johnny Ross would write).

Very very much worth a look.

Well done Sean Penn, I hope one day I meet your children Fountain (aged 5) and Parker (aged 9 and a bit).

You're not from Brighton

I had a lovely weekend in Brighton with family Hale. It was lovely and super, although fackin cold, and i like the cold!

My little niece Bessie calls me Wee Wee, as she was having trouble pronouncing Richie back when she was dead small. Anyway, it was very very rewarding to hear a 2 year old in a very busy shop shouting 'Wee Wee, where are you?'...

...So, we were out walking in the rain and i stumbled upon this cracker...

...Apparently what happened was this chap was having a good old yawn, imagine, the biggest one ever, a real feel good all over one. Well, he yawned so hard that he dislocated his sodding jaw! This apparently then caused him to 'almost' be killed. The poor poor chap, deep in the middle, loving every mintue, and then........slip...ouch......out she popped. Bet he wishes his Mother was a python.

Well that was it, thanks Brighton, you were wonderful.

This is Barney

I spent most of the day on Saturday back in Cirencester drinking booze with some dear friends.

We started at The 12 Bells (which everyone should go to as there is no doubt it is the best pub i have ever been in) then moved on throughout the day ending up in The Crown.

(The above photograph was taken from under the door in the cubicle of the aforementioned toilets in The Crown at roughly 10 o'clock in the PM.)

My friend, Barney, is very well known for falling asleep after multiple boozes. Here however, he excelled himself.

After deciding to go for a curry, after consuming 8 to 9 pints, Barney stood up and announced 'i'm going to be sick'. With this in mind i then ushered him into the toilet and enabled him to fulfil his wish.

He was going for a while, so i suggested he lock the door of the cubicle as people were walking around and experiencing it with him.

After going for a wee i then retunred to the cubicle to see if he was ok.

Barney was indeed not ok, had indeed listened to me and locked the door, then had proceeded to fall into a very deep sleep.

Yelling, screaming and shouting made no difference to his condition. At one point i even tried to shoulder the door open, but there was no way through, if you know The Crown you will know that the doors are double solid.

I waited for 20 minutes wondering what to do.

And then, it came to me!

I wandered into the garden and made a fish hook style hook hook from a branch a tree very begrudgingly gave to me.

I then, with skill and guile managed to hook his foot under the bog door, i then gave it a massive yank.

This had the desired effect eventually waking Barney from his winter sleep.

I then escorted him out of the pub holding him as if he were blind. He then continued to sick and vomit for a good 10 minutes.

Well done Barney, you are brilliant.

Big slit.

I went to the Tate Modern yesterday. It was very good.

You might have heard that they have this big crack in the entrance hall. This artist thought it up then got 300,000 grand to make it so.

Apparently Shibboleth (the name of the piece)"represents borders, the experience of immigrants, the experience of segregation, the experience of racial hatred" which is what i thought when i first saw it.

A Tate Modern lady then went on to explain the idea more. If you couldn't say the word 'Shibboleth' you were shot and like proper killed. If you could say 'Shibboleth' you were not shot and not proper killed. So, the crack symbolizes the 2 sides, one being lots of dead people and the other being lots of alive people.

I think we should do a modern version of Shibboleth. You say 'Nike' you live, you say 'Nikey' you die.

You should certainly go and see it, it is amazing.

And whilst Phil and i were their, interacting with the art work, we got our photo taken and will apparently be appearing in an International art magazine that recognises brilliant installation interacters. I'm sure we will look very good as i did have my best side out.

I have nothing more to say on the matter, get back to work.

Jog off!

Why do people run in the office?

You often see people jogging to thier seat, or jogging to a meeting.

Why?

And when they do jog in the office they do it in rather a 'slow mo' kind of way.

Very very odd indeed.

I think we should stop this right away.

When 2 worlds collide.

I unsubscribed to Marriott Hotels email list this morning.

I received the above message letting me know that it would take 10 business days to process my request.

Steve, we got a request from Richard Hale, he wants off the list.

Can you send written confirmation to Barry letting him know, oh, remember internal post takes upto 3 days to get to him, he also needs to contact Jane and Kim in personel, that sometimes take 2 days to get through, that new mail boy doesn't work as fast as Terry did, and make sure that legal know too, that can take upto a week, Brendan is off on holdidays so that might take longer, and Steve can you go and get my dry cleaning before you start the ball rolling. Also remember that Barry needs to get in touch with marketing in Coventry so they can send Richard Hale an email letting him know he has been taken off.

Well done Marriott, the futures bright, the futures terrifying.

Best Tim ever!

I am happy to announce that i have just met Tim Lovejoy.

He was standing there in Battersea, and i couldn't help but touch him and use words to communicate with him. I was brilliant.

The Lovejoy - piss off Mcshane, please continue.

The loaf for loafing

It's a loaf of bread that contains lots of different varieties of bread!

Now that's a thought!

Stop.

Naked ladies!

I started a 6 week course of life drawing last night. It was double good!

It was such a release (excuse me!).

To be away from A3 pads and computers was so so good. I honestly can't wait for next weeks lesson.

We started just by drawing what we saw, as you would have guessed, but then he gave us the 'move the finger up and down a stick' lesson. Pre that i was pretty gash (excuse me!) but post the 'move the finger up and down a stick' talk i was very very much better, the teacher was brilliant. He kept saying 'you know what i mean'. If you shut your eyes it could have been Frank Bruno teaching us.

Hang on a minute, there were some boxing gloves hanging in the corner, and the model 'Anna' did look a bit like Henry Cooper

Everyone should draw!!

1-1.

Bobbing!

This is totally and utterly amazing!

This bunch of theatre students go to a game.

One of them, 'Rob' goes to get some food at half time, then pretends to get lost on his return to his seat. He then wanders around the stadium getting the entire crowd involved in trying to help him find his seat.

By the end everyone is watching him and not the game.

Proper good that!

Try it yourself, get lost at work and spend the day trying to find your seat, it could be hilarious!

Really hilarious.....oh dear.

What a total Blunt?

Not at all!

James Blunt on Sesame Street biggin up the triangle.



Keep it up James Blunt, there is still opportunity to get your reputation out of the gutter.

Good boy!

Well done!

'I'm out'

I was watching Dragons Den last night, love it, love it all.

Anyway, I had this idea ages ago about a chain of shops that offer you nothing more than a lovely shower, and was wondering whether to take it on the show.

Imagine.......you finish work on a Friday night, been a tough day, hot.

'Dave, lets meet in 20 minutes, Brewers Arms alright, i'm just going down to The Shower Shop for a quick freshen up'

So, Dave walks in, 'hello', it has a lovely ambience, good tunes, lots of attentive staff, smells lovely.

He picks his shower,

£3 will get him a standard shower.

A fiver gets Dave a lovely shower and his clothes freshened up, come back smelling nice.

£7.50 gets him a proper good shower down, you know, big walk in beast, couple of heads. Double lush.

Tenner and Dave is in wet heaven. Sky Sports. Music. Telephone. Proper style. Ironed briefs, its a simple joy.

You can even buy the showers if you so fancy, so it could be a try before you buy too.

So, each shop could have 20 to 30 different cubicles for punters to use. Decor is modern Swedish happiness. Loads of well dressed staff, you can even have drinks delivered to your shower.

There will also be tiny outlets in train stations, etc.


I'm looking for £200,000 for a 25% stake.

'I'm in'

That ain't shouting!

I went to the Rugby World Cup over the weekend. It was totally awesome, even if we didn't win.

My problem was, the wrong team won, and thus, the wrong team celebrated.

Now, i filmed the final whistle and the South Africans had no idea how to celebrate the win. There was no flag waving, no hugging, no real screaming, it was all very very muted indeed.

I was in Cardiff to see France destroy New Zealand and the atmosphere at the whistle was incredible! Full on party shouting madness Frenchmen!

It is for this reason that i think they should have an inquiry and we should be crowned winners, on the grounds that they didn't celebrate enough!

Even outside after the match, there was nothing amazing going on. We would have been going mad for it style lording screaming, the South Africans did nothing, maybe a few shouts, and perhaps one or two, yays.

A new rule in Rugby. If you don't celebrate a win enough you can have that win removed.

And whilst i am here, i saw this...

...John Wilkinson should advertise for the church.

Let us pray.

Thanks World Cup Rugby.

Thanks

Do you believe in life after love?

I was just rummaging through some old files and found this...

It was off a site i did to promote myself.

It made me laugh again.

I love laughing again, don't you again?

Awesome

This message was spotted on a t-shirt whilst on holiday in the United States of Americans.

I think it is probably one of the best things i have ever ever seen written on a 100% cotton item of clothing.

keep it up, right up.

Me and me Dad.

So, its been a while, i've been on holiday i have.

Anyway, we stayed in this hotel in Boston. It was posh, $1200 a night posh, and it came with some like proper posh magazines on the proper posh coffee table, the words and pictures were all pretty posh.

Anyway, i opened it up and found this...

...Me.

What is odder still is that the chap next to me in the glasses looks just like me Dad.

I liked it i did. It was lovely.

Thanks for your time, buy now, it's good to be back.

Worst ever?

I saw this this morning on a very free paper.

Is this the worst headline ever? It is so lazy! If they had won 34 nil then maybe they could use this line.

It's like they used some simple generator written by a South Korean chap.

SUBJECT = MICHAEL

POSSIBLE HEADLINES = TAKE THE MICHAEL. TAKING THE MIKEY.

Rubbish Metro!

Rubbish!

Its rubbish!

I have found another new phenomenon that is sweeping the middle class.

Polite littering!

They sit there with their Starbucks coffee cups waiting for that moment to slowly put it down at their feet. They eat their bacon sandwich then very very carefully put the rubbish under a seat.

Keep your eye open for them, they live amongst us. Idiots.

Gym Robinson

I had a magic idea!

Open up a set of Gyms named after famous Jims.

So, we would have a Gym Robinson, where, in a certain area they would play old repeats of Neighbours.

Gym Morrison would have a little spot where you workout to The Doors.

Gym Broadbent would play films obviously starring 'The Broadbent'

Gym Henson would play lots of Muppets and we might even theme the staff.

Gym Davidson would be for the old and the young.

Anyway, i think you get the idea.

And the best bit about these gyms is that when ringing the main call centre to try and speak to you local gym, the conversation would be something like.

'Hello how can i help you today'

'Hi, could you put me through to Gym Robinson please, i have a query about chest pains'

Now ain't that just fine.

Win win winchester!

I was in Winchester again at the weekend visiting a dear dear friend of mine and several brilliant things happened which i thought i would tell you about.

So, we went to this lovely little pub in the afternoon, its more a bar, than a pub. It has lovely clientele, lovely fine wine, lovely decor, lovely toilets, and lovely bar games. We decided to play hangman, and i feel our first game...

...totally ruined the entire ambinece of the establishment.

Anyway, we were in the bar and we heard lots of Santa's approaching. On turning around we saw that christmas hadn't infact come early, it was a fleet of Morris's. They even came with their own jugs to have booze in. Anyway, Barney and i were discussing the point of the Morris's dancing, and it was only when we stepped outside that there true potential came to light. Being a Morris enables you to have your photo taken with rather attractive ladies. Bravo Morris's!

So we drank more and obviously ended up at curry o'clock and i ordered a curry light, being a total girl who can't handle the heat. During the eating ceremony it soon dawned on me that this was a super hot curry i was attemping to finish. It wasn't until i got the bill that the obvious break down in communication came to light.

Anyway, i recommend a trip to Winchester and if required i can put you a 'mad hot' pub crawl together.

Thwinchester!

Photoshop Freddie

Did you know that Freddie Mercury designed The Queen logo? I didn't!

The 'crest' features the band's star signs - two fairies for Virgo, a crab for Cancer and two lions for the two Leos.

Deacon, Taylor and May must have been rather surprised when Freddie got his iBook out and showed them what he had Mac'd up.

I also enjoy the fact that Freddie, being Virgo, choose to use 2 fairies to represent the star sign. Google says the other fairy was a young George Michael. Well i never did.

I am the invisible man, aiiiiiiiii.

StrutterStrutter

There is no better thing in the world than sticking 2 very good ideas together to make something even more better and good.

Here, they have taken Mike Strutter and Sat Nav and created this...

Mike Strutter shouts offensive commands to you all the way home. It is simply a delight.

Get it here if you want it.

Up a gum tree

I picked up a paper on the train this morning and started to read this story of an Aussie bloke who had gone into the outback and ended up climbing up a tree to escape from a croc nest.

Anyway, he was up the tree for 7 days trying to avoid the big gobbed chaps below.

He did very well and survived to get his work published.

Whilst up the tree and whilst believing he was going to die he etched some poignant words to his son, they published these words.

Now, on reading these words i couldn't for the life of me work out what the chopper pilots were. 'blind p*****'?

It was like Blankity Blank! It took me at least 4 attempts to work out.

Cheque book and pen anyone!

Pole to Pole

I have a new idea for Michael Palin. Michael, if you are reading this, the idea is that you go around Londons pubs drinking with the Polish barstaff.

Each show lasts an hour, in which time we hear about that specific member of staff, what brought them to England. We could even meet their family, perhaps do a bit of a 'This is your Life' where we bring their family over, surprise them.

There could also be a cooking slot where we go into the kitchen of the pub, and the pub chef attempts to cook an authentic Polish dish, using only burgers, a pasta and garlic bread (with cheese). Website could have the recipes ideas.

Michael also talks about Poland and educates us, that way we know more about them and where they are from and can spark up a conversation when we order our drinks.

I have sent a brief outline to Mark Thompson at the BBC. He hasn't been in touch yet but sure email is in the post.

Good Branding idea?

I happened to be watching some politics show over the weekend and John Sergeant's funny like face appeared, he was talking about something to do with something or other that didn't really interest me.

Anyway, i was watching the chap talk and it suddenly came to my attention that he has exactly the same manorisms as Jo Brand. Then, after realising this it dawned on me that he looks exactly the same as Jo Brand! Good lord i thought

Then, i had an idea.

Maybe for a Comic Relief type occasion, or maybe not, wouldn't it be super if he and Jo Brand swapped for a day or two. So John would be on stage up in Edinburgh doing a show that Jo wrote, and Jo would be outside House's of P reporting on the damage a certain MP is doing to his party due to his undying urge to hang around Clapham Common.

I think this could be ace.

There will loads more out there i am sure. For example, Oliver does the rounds talking about what it was like to work with Leonard Nimoy, and Shatner gets on and cooks us up a nice treat using loads of pork and a pukka bouquet garni.

'There are two types of people in this world, one who opens a packet of biscuits, has one and puts the rest back in the cupboard, and one who eats the whole packet in one go'.

Come on Jo, lets have some more gags about how fat you are, i promise, that idea is not wearing thin at all.

R.E.S.T.E.C.P!!

I was in The Butcher & Grill this morning. For those not in the know it is a fine fine meat Emporium down here in Battersea, you basically go their to eat our bovine brothers and sisters.

Anyway, we were just having a coffee.

After enjoying my coffeee (latte) i visited the lavatory and was confronted by photos of bulls and cows and live meat.

I found this all rather odd. Generally of an evening i would go to The Butcher & Grill and eat loads of meat, then, probably, would need to either A, Urinate or 2, Deficate. This would then bring me face to face with the animals i have just shoved down my throat.

Now i know that alot of people would say that i am disrespecting the big brutes by eating them, but having to look into their cute little eyes at this prominent time is just to much for me. They should perhaps have little speech bubbles on the images saying stuff like;

'Did you enjoying my shoudler?'

'How was i?'

'Was i worth it?'

'Have you met my son?'

I wonder if it was a clever gorilla campagin on behalf of the Vegetarian Society?. If so it wasn't a very good gorilla campaign on behalf of the Vegetarian Society as i then went out at lunchtime and purchased a pork pie. Moooooo'zik to my mouth.

Butcher & Grill, please continue your great meat based work, however, please remove pictures of your victims from your toilet wall.

Rachel Stevens is dead!

Going home last night i saw this!

I am sure she was voted FHM number 1 hottie in the world everest several years running, and now she is advertising Dailies contact lenses.

Her Mother i am sure is still very very proud.

'Rach, i saw you on the Dailies posters last night, your Dad said how well you looked, are you sure you can afford to come home at the weekend, Dad said he'd pay'

S Club her to death someone, poor poor thing, put he out of her misery.

That was quick!

(only read this if you have seen Heroes as i have)

I have seen the first 4 episodes of Heroes, and although i hate TV, i am more than happy to be watching a TV program that doesn't have any sodding Doctors in. Well done them.

Anyways, i was on my way to work this morning, catching the 8.12am Surbiton to Clapham Junction Express and felt some strange time gap continuum nonsense going on. Didn't really think much of it until i looked across the carriage and saw this!

'Well i never did' i thought to myself.

I only hope he didn't have a rummage in my draws as we were all frozen in time.

I think i will continue to watch the show for now hoping that the Surbiton to Clapham Junction Express will not appear in one of the paintings that the funny looking chap paints.

Get back to work.

Fat pukka!

I was in Waitrose last night and saw this on the front of the Radio Times!

What in heavens name has happened to poor Jamie Oliver?

He has turned into a wax work of William Shatner

If this is what eating fresh tipped asparagus from Sainsburys does to a man then get me some turkey twizzlers!

And i also in no way doctored his eyes in this photo.

Poor old Jools and the kids.

Beam him up Scotty!

RIP Mike.

I was deeply saddened to hear about Mike Reid's death.

And even more saddened that The Sun did not run a headline, so i have made one up!

R.I.P Mike Reid, we miss you.

To think he could have done one of these.

i is now dead.com

A website that kicks in after you die.

On the site you can put information like song for the church, cremation or burial, what you would like done with your ashes, maybe write your own little eulogy, your obituary, perhaps even leave a few words for loved ones. Leave a special gift for someone special.

Basically it is a place to put all the things you would never talk to someone about regarding your death.

Then, when you die, a friend, who you have told about the site, presses a button, and a lovely considered letter gets sent to your next of kin letting them now all they need to know. It could be hand delivered by someone with a caring face and a friendly nature.

I'm off to find me a venture capitalist.

Grand PS3rix!

A totally good thought.

Imagine this.

You buy a Formula 1 game for your PS3 or Xbox.

During a race weekend, say Silverstone, you get the opportunity to practice, qualify and race at exactly the same time as the actual practicing, qualifying and racing is going on. All the results are being fed into your game via Xbox Live or the like, all branded just like ITV's coverage.

It could work for golf aswell. Imagine the Open last week where you are having to get out of bed at 6.45am and start your round, all the shots from all the other golfers are fed into your game, it could be so magical!

Anyway, if someone knows someone who could make this possible please let them know and make loads of money out of the idea.

Lewis Hamilton is actually the child of 'The Hamiltons', his Dad, Anthony, is an actor.

Walk on.

Abba'rilliant!

A pal and i have just been watching and listening to some ABBA, and in my mind Mamma Mia is top ABBA song ever, some came close, but this has everything i could ever want in a piece of music. Everything!

And i even found this! Heavenly!

You do honestly forget how totally good they were!

Benny Andersson, Agnetha Fältskog, Anni-Frid Lyngstad and Björn Ulvaeus, i thank you alot, an awful lot!

In the Night Garden!

Please please please, do one's self a favour and make sure you watch an episode of 'In the Night Garden'. It is a new childrens show from the makers of The Teletubbies.

It is full of cracking characters, some of which very much hark back to shows like Bagpuss and Camberwick Green. And might i say some of the names they have come up with are tremendous!

The Pontipines (my favourite) and The Wattingers are miniture folk made of wood who enjoy nothing more than waving at each other. Thats mostly what they do.

The Ninky Nonk and the Pinky Ponk are forms of transport.

Makka Pakka is an odd little chap who has a nice bike called Og-Pog.

The Tombliboos seem to do nothing but drop their trousers and kiss, whilst Upsy Daisy and Igglepiggle run around being happy and gay.

Finally, and surely having the best name in the show, The Tittyfurs are nothing else but birds who sing an odd song.

Watch it now! You will not be disappointed!

Can you carry this please?

So 2 girls were caught trying to get £300 grands worh of cocaine back into the country. Apparently a very nice man with a very nice hat, asked if they would very nicely mind carrying his very nice laptop bag through security very nicely, oh yes, and he would give them 3 grand in return. What a lovely man! A very lovely man.

Anyway, they got caught, and this is what Yasemin, one of the very nice girls, had to say...
I don't think they knew nothing about it.

Different types of buildings

Carrying on the theme of ace type check out these little beauties. Surely, some P'shopping was carried out, if not, i salute thee.

GM:TV Dinners

I think these would sell really well. Food for the ITV'ers.

'Brenda, whilst you're out, can you pick me up a couple of them GM(TV) quiches'

Perhaps he could wash the quiche down with some Cheggers Plays 'Pop'.

Lego my god that hurt!

It suddenly came back to be this morning.

The pain one experienced when one knelt on a one'er or a two'er on a Sunday afternoon spent playing Lego in the front room.

They should use this as a form of punishment. Imagine rooms full of these, then being told that you have to spend 8 hours on your hands and knees because you were bad. That'd stop'm breaking laws!

Genesis!

There i was, sitting amongst an incredible amount of 48.59 year old men with terrible dress sense, growing bellies and bald heads, when who should walk on stage but John Locke! Incredible.

Genesis!

We love you!

Smoke me a kipper!

Can i say, as a non smoker, i would honestly like to re-introduce fags back into pubs. I don't care about passive smoking, i'm sure others do, but what i do care about is haivng to drink booze in places that smell worse than Ichiban Fish Market in Scarborough. The smoke covered up the rancid stink of years of spilt beer and dead mice.

This week i have also been into a pub that had a live jazz performance. My word! I'm sure even good old Roy Castle would agree that taking out all the smoke totally takes away all the atmosphere. It was awful. No shards of light cutting the dense haze. No old men perched in ashtrays. Rubbish. I am off to the TOTP's studios to pinch all the dry ice machines. Let it smoke!

Lastly, i was wandering between pubs in Londons trendy Soho and found these wonderful things dotted around.

It is an initiative by the National Gallery to get art out into the streets. They are fabulous. And no beggers had de-faced them either which was super. Apparently there are more than 20 to find.

Thanks art

Thart!

Who owns it?

A pal and i were thinking ages ago about the term 'The' and how it can make something or someone own that name or thing.

For example, 'The Lord' can only be given to one man, Jesus. He is 'The Lord'

'The Book' can only mean one book, The Bible, so, The Bible owns the term 'The Book'.

'The Minoque' should only mean Kylie, but i am sure Danni would have a few words to say.

I only want to know The Definitives.

'The Daniels' could mean Paul or Helen or perhaps even Phil.

'The Forsyth' could be Bruce or Frederick.

However, 'The Potter' would only belong to Harry, Dennis would not stand a chance.

Have a go, its great fun.

Dragons Den

After watching Dragons Den, the one where Levi Roots showed the world his sauce, i had a great thought.

For the new series there should be a 5th Dragon, us, the public.

We should be able to show our support for an idea by going online and offering cash for a stake. So, for example, the Dragons would give 90% of the cash, then we should be able to make up the other 10%. So, i might end up giving 500 quid to Levi, for .2% of any profit he makes.

Stop, Bannatyne!

Come on Tim!

Might i suggest that we start to use the rallying cry of 'Come on Tim', when you know full well that you are onto a lost cause.

Yeovil Town v Barcelona. European Championship. In the tunnel, just before they walk out. Terry Skiverton, the captain, turns to his men, fist clenched and raised 'COME ON TIM!'. 'COME ON TIM!' comes the reply.

A skirmish in Khafji. Captain Fatima Hasan turns to the 3rd Brigade, 9th Iraqi Army Division, knowing full well that he is out numbered and out gunned, about to die. 'COME ON TIM!'. 'COME ON TIM!' comes the reply.

And might i just pass on that i do fully respect Tim Henman and what he has done.

Well done Tim.

Come on Tim!

Man'ing down!!!

And so, The Sun bursts through with yet more beautiful things.

I was going to note down some of Bern's racist gags, but thought better of it.

Instead, i found this, which is scientifically the funniset gag around.

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

"The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"

Oh Bernard, why did you have to leave us with this, tell us some more of your racist howlers.