Bogeys!

On dear oh dear.

We got Croatia in our qualifying group for the World Cup 2010.

So?

No no, haven't you heard, they are another of Englands 'bogey' teams. Just like Germany.

Basically the teams that are much better than us, and continually beat us, are going to become our 'bogey' teams.

Come on Croatia join the list, there, between 'Aa' for Argentina and just above 'Gee' for Germany, that's it, well done,

Soon, most of the Worlds international teams will appear on our bogey list.

The press totally don't help either. The Sun, front page 'Oh no it's Cro'. Generally, I praise the writers of that beautiful establishment, but come on, hasn't something better happened over the weekend, '11 year old Mother exposed', 'Lady Di new affair uncovered'. Anything but this!

Balls to that 3 - Football 0

That ain't chili, that's well hot!

I was just in Virgin, well, no, i was in Zavvi, which if you ask me sounds like a kebab house, anyway, i was in Virgin, well, no, i was in Zavvi, which if you ask me sounds like a kebab house, anyway, i was in Virgin, and i saw this...

...Please try and tell me that that isn't the best game title you have ever seen in your life!

I think a genuine miracle has occured.

Anyone got a piece of white sliced and a couple of sea bass, i feel another miracle approaching.

Foot balls to that!

We aren't going to be in Euro 2008 and Steven has lost his job.

Can i say, i am actually rather happy about both points.

I like football, prefer rugby, but i just think we need to get rid of all the names in the England team.

For 8 years they have tried to play Frank and Steve along side each other, and for 8 years it has not worked.

Dave Beckham played twice, whilst the punters admitted he wasn't match fit.

Rio Ferdinand runs around whilst we all know he is lazy.

But look at all the players who were injured..........SHUT UP!!

How ever has all this been allowed to happen?

Where is all the new talent?

We ended up with the same points as Israel, that brilliant football nation!

I don't understand any of it! Have i missed something? Are you keeping something secret from me? Are you?

And, how in the lords name do Geoff Thompson and Brian Barwick keep their jobs. They are the fools that gave 124th choice McClaren his job, so they should be out too, shouldn't they?

Lets just hope they do the right thing and think about it before jumping in and giving the job to someone we all hate!

Listen to your public you idiots!

I don't want to think about football anymore! It bores me!

Goodbye.

The power of names.

Well i must say it got me thinking.

Names, aren't they brilliant.

In my last post I spoke about Jonathan Ross, but refered to him as Johnny Ross. Making him feel a very different man.

David Beckham. Strong, leader, stylish. But make him Dave Beckham, then he's a Loss Adjuster from Stevenage.

There's more.

Brad Pitt. Square jawed spunk. Bradley Pitt. IT consultant from Luton.

Victoria Beckham. Pointless women with no known skill yet is everso rich and considered an icon. But making her Vicky Beckham tells an entire different story. Now she turns into a pointless women with no known skill yet is everso rich and considered an icon.

Think of others, they are with you everyday.

Alas..ka..ka..ka!

I went to see 'Into the wild' last night.

Not sure if you have heard about it, but it is a true story about this chap who 'A grades' college and turns down Harvard to hitch hike across America.

He basically hated everything about society, especially his parent, so cuts up his bank cards, gives his college fund to Oxfam, burns his social security info and basically hikes to Alaska with some clothes and a tent, oh, and a gun.

Anyway, I don't want to give it all away, but I highly recommended that you go and see it as his story is amazingly told, beautifully put together, sensationally shot, and makes you question it all (that last bit was the sort of cack Johnny Ross would write).

Very very much worth a look.

Well done Sean Penn, I hope one day I meet your children Fountain (aged 5) and Parker (aged 9 and a bit).

You're not from Brighton

I had a lovely weekend in Brighton with family Hale. It was lovely and super, although fackin cold, and i like the cold!

My little niece Bessie calls me Wee Wee, as she was having trouble pronouncing Richie back when she was dead small. Anyway, it was very very rewarding to hear a 2 year old in a very busy shop shouting 'Wee Wee, where are you?'...

...So, we were out walking in the rain and i stumbled upon this cracker...

...Apparently what happened was this chap was having a good old yawn, imagine, the biggest one ever, a real feel good all over one. Well, he yawned so hard that he dislocated his sodding jaw! This apparently then caused him to 'almost' be killed. The poor poor chap, deep in the middle, loving every mintue, and then........slip...ouch......out she popped. Bet he wishes his Mother was a python.

Well that was it, thanks Brighton, you were wonderful.

This is Barney

I spent most of the day on Saturday back in Cirencester drinking booze with some dear friends.

We started at The 12 Bells (which everyone should go to as there is no doubt it is the best pub i have ever been in) then moved on throughout the day ending up in The Crown.

(The above photograph was taken from under the door in the cubicle of the aforementioned toilets in The Crown at roughly 10 o'clock in the PM.)

My friend, Barney, is very well known for falling asleep after multiple boozes. Here however, he excelled himself.

After deciding to go for a curry, after consuming 8 to 9 pints, Barney stood up and announced 'i'm going to be sick'. With this in mind i then ushered him into the toilet and enabled him to fulfil his wish.

He was going for a while, so i suggested he lock the door of the cubicle as people were walking around and experiencing it with him.

After going for a wee i then retunred to the cubicle to see if he was ok.

Barney was indeed not ok, had indeed listened to me and locked the door, then had proceeded to fall into a very deep sleep.

Yelling, screaming and shouting made no difference to his condition. At one point i even tried to shoulder the door open, but there was no way through, if you know The Crown you will know that the doors are double solid.

I waited for 20 minutes wondering what to do.

And then, it came to me!

I wandered into the garden and made a fish hook style hook hook from a branch a tree very begrudgingly gave to me.

I then, with skill and guile managed to hook his foot under the bog door, i then gave it a massive yank.

This had the desired effect eventually waking Barney from his winter sleep.

I then escorted him out of the pub holding him as if he were blind. He then continued to sick and vomit for a good 10 minutes.

Well done Barney, you are brilliant.

Big slit.

I went to the Tate Modern yesterday. It was very good.

You might have heard that they have this big crack in the entrance hall. This artist thought it up then got 300,000 grand to make it so.

Apparently Shibboleth (the name of the piece)"represents borders, the experience of immigrants, the experience of segregation, the experience of racial hatred" which is what i thought when i first saw it.

A Tate Modern lady then went on to explain the idea more. If you couldn't say the word 'Shibboleth' you were shot and like proper killed. If you could say 'Shibboleth' you were not shot and not proper killed. So, the crack symbolizes the 2 sides, one being lots of dead people and the other being lots of alive people.

I think we should do a modern version of Shibboleth. You say 'Nike' you live, you say 'Nikey' you die.

You should certainly go and see it, it is amazing.

And whilst Phil and i were their, interacting with the art work, we got our photo taken and will apparently be appearing in an International art magazine that recognises brilliant installation interacters. I'm sure we will look very good as i did have my best side out.

I have nothing more to say on the matter, get back to work.

Jog off!

Why do people run in the office?

You often see people jogging to thier seat, or jogging to a meeting.

Why?

And when they do jog in the office they do it in rather a 'slow mo' kind of way.

Very very odd indeed.

I think we should stop this right away.

When 2 worlds collide.

I unsubscribed to Marriott Hotels email list this morning.

I received the above message letting me know that it would take 10 business days to process my request.

Steve, we got a request from Richard Hale, he wants off the list.

Can you send written confirmation to Barry letting him know, oh, remember internal post takes upto 3 days to get to him, he also needs to contact Jane and Kim in personel, that sometimes take 2 days to get through, that new mail boy doesn't work as fast as Terry did, and make sure that legal know too, that can take upto a week, Brendan is off on holdidays so that might take longer, and Steve can you go and get my dry cleaning before you start the ball rolling. Also remember that Barry needs to get in touch with marketing in Coventry so they can send Richard Hale an email letting him know he has been taken off.

Well done Marriott, the futures bright, the futures terrifying.

Best Tim ever!

I am happy to announce that i have just met Tim Lovejoy.

He was standing there in Battersea, and i couldn't help but touch him and use words to communicate with him. I was brilliant.

The Lovejoy - piss off Mcshane, please continue.

The loaf for loafing

It's a loaf of bread that contains lots of different varieties of bread!

Now that's a thought!

Stop.

Naked ladies!

I started a 6 week course of life drawing last night. It was double good!

It was such a release (excuse me!).

To be away from A3 pads and computers was so so good. I honestly can't wait for next weeks lesson.

We started just by drawing what we saw, as you would have guessed, but then he gave us the 'move the finger up and down a stick' lesson. Pre that i was pretty gash (excuse me!) but post the 'move the finger up and down a stick' talk i was very very much better, the teacher was brilliant. He kept saying 'you know what i mean'. If you shut your eyes it could have been Frank Bruno teaching us.

Hang on a minute, there were some boxing gloves hanging in the corner, and the model 'Anna' did look a bit like Henry Cooper

Everyone should draw!!

1-1.