Who's the Bear?

Bear Grylls is a total waste of time and money! Even if he is a Record Breaker!

Did you see it where he crossed this big dessert? Not sure which one it was?

He had a helicopter over head filming him for god’s sake. He knows that if he ever gets in trouble he will be fine.

They show him eating raw snakes and beetles, but why? I bet he goes back to a camp and tucks into croissants and caviar. Perhaps a knob of stilton with that Bear.

Whilst in the desert he also killed a camel to make a bed out of. Again! Why? Like he'll be sleeping under its skin! Balls! He’ll be in his 300 quid baby duck down sleeping bag.

I don't like him. He is a cheat.

I'd love to see Ray Mears duff him up!

Ray Ray Ray Ray Ray.....

Smack!

They say lightening never strikes twice.

They were right, but it did strike once.

We were having a meeting in our boardroom yesterday and it started to thunder and lightening.

A couple of massive claps later and 'crack'! Lightening struck our building.

It was ace! You saw the flash then a second later there was an almighty smack as it hit a floor above.

We should really expect it as the roof of our building has 4 to 5 thousand mobile antennas.

See if you can get struck, its really is great fun.

Here til 2020!

I had the most amazing thought last night.

Sir The Right Honorable Andrew Lloyd Webber has written 13 musicals.

That means that for the next 11 years he will own BBC 1 on Saturday nights and for that matter Sunday nights.

You honestly can't believe how incredibly happy and excited I am.

Hopefully he will write a few more over that period so I reckon he will still have his claws in the BBC until 2020. What a wonderful thought.

And how lovely, a bi-product of this means Graham Norton will be there at his side.

Thanks Graham

Schmidt Hot!

Well I never did.

As I have been on my travels recently I have spotted a lovely set of poster advertising Citroen cars.

And what a lovely set of posters they are.

The above is simply delightful, but I think my favourite is a similar look but the headline is 'Schmidt Hot'.

If I was looking, I think this would make me visit a Citroen showroom.

Well done Citroen. Great thinking!

The Portishead

Nobody loves me, it's true, not like you do.

Well, that was what Beth Gibbons sang to me last night. I had to put her right on a few points, but i think we worked it out.

You see I went down to see The Portishead play in beautiful Brixton town and might i say it has made me question live music.

They were really very good. Mrs Gibbons is amazing, her voice is incredible, but you can't really go and stand for 90 minutes just listening to music.

There needs to be other things there to entertain you. Whether that be an incredible stage show, you dancing, you singing loudly, you punching the air in time to the music, you just lightly jigging to a baseline, you pogoing. You need more than music.

With The Portishead there was none of the above and that is why I write.

Yes, the tunes were wonderful. Yes, her voice was incredible. But you need more to do. You end up just chatting and not really paying full attention.

In hindsight i would have much preferred sitting. Then you can just sit in wonder, as i had done several weeks ago when i saw John Michael Jarre in the Albert Hall. He was astonishing by the way.

So, from this point forward I will be questioning before I order tickets to gigs.

But well done The Portishead. You looked rather old, a bit like Genesis, but you were good.

Congrats

Plug it in, plug it in.

I was in town last night and I saw my very first plug in car.

With all the moving forward we as a world our doing I love how awfully basic this is.

We all remember how disappointing it was when the batteries ran out on your favourite electronic game or your bestest remote control car suddenly stopped. I wonder if the drivers of these vehicles feel the same way when their batteries die.

What I also love is the design of the car itself. Check out its svelte curves, its audaciously streamlined cockpit.

Again, with all the advancements we are making in car manufacture and design you would think they could come up with something better than this.

It looks like the designers used the boxes of the aforementioned bestest remote control car.

If it looked good this idea just might take off.

I wonder if it has a slot for triple A's?

The best thing you can plug in since Glade air fresheners.

Buster Blood Vessell

It was a an incredible sight on Sunday.

To see an 101 year old man running the marathon! I ask you! 101 years old! Running! 26 miles!

But, it would appear that he isn't 101 at all.

So The Guinness Book of Records won't put him in as it would appear he is only 94!

It was a an incredible sight on Sunday.

To see a 94 year old man running the marathon! I ask you! 94 years old! Running! 26 miles!

Well done Buster, but poor poor Buster!

CHEAT CHEAT CHEAT!

Qwerty and biscuits

I have been without my normal phone for the last 2 weeks so have been without my miniature Qwerty keyboard. By the way, isn't qwerty a great word to type? Qwerty. Qwerty.

Anyway, I have been relying on an old phone which has meant going back to texting with numbers.

What this has taught me is that predictive text is really is rubbish, so awfully irritating. Continually showing you words you had no intention of using.

'Are you sure you didn't want to use that word?'

Sure? Positive? Phone a friend?

So awfully irritating! Just give me the word I want!

But, amongst the pain I did see something wonderful.

If you type in 'Anal' it asks if you want to use the word 'cock'. Whatever is this teaching the youth?

Hmmmm. I think we should blame Sir Nokia for the bad language shown by our older generations.

Oh cock! (Did you mean anal Richard)

P.S The man above has Texting Tenosynovitis

Thanks Allotment

My lovely sister has just taken delivery of a wonderfully big allotment and it got me thinking.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Thanks Allotment.

At Thanks Allotment you send us what you want to plant. We will then take your seeds, for a cost. Plant your seeds, for a cost. Nurture your seeds, for a cost. Grow your seeds, for a cost. Take pictures of the seeds progress, for a cost. Pick your fruit/vegetables/plants, for a coast. Then post it all to you, for free!

You end up with lovely produce that has been grown by us for you. All organic of course, but you know that everything you eat has had a lovely life in Gloucestershire. No battery this, or GM that.

Oi Bannatyne, give me a call, i'm after backers.

I love Pipa Gibson

I went to The Science Museum yesterday and saw this.

It is a floating wall with hundreds of little LED screens on it which are linked to chatrooms across the world.

The time i was there it was searching for the term 'i love' or 'i like' across the world, putting these statements on the screens whilst a voice delivered the statements over a lovely calming piece of music.

So there was an 'i love Israel'.

There was an 'i love food'

Even an 'i love Pipa Gibson'

Oh and as each one came up so you also heard the sound of typing on a keybaord, it was great.

But what was best was the fact that it was uncensored, so there were some very rude ones, the best of which was 'i love tight holes', although i presumme this one was from a pot holer in Derbyshire, so not at all rude.

Well done all, you have made my life better.

All inspired by this.

Not random is the new random

I have an MP3 player, i am sure you do too.

When listening to the above mentioned MP3 player i often chose to listen to all my MP3's in a random order, i am sure some of you do this too.

So, that is 3973 tracks being randomly selected and randomly played. That is pretty random.

So can someone explain to me why my MP3 player, when set to random, decides to play most of my music which starts with the letter 'P'.

The Police, Prince, Plaid, Portishead, basically anything starting with 'P' gets played far more often than anything else. (And i don't have an illness which means i only buy artists that begin with 'P'. I have an awful lot of non 'P' artists.)

My MP3 player isn't random. It has a technology within it that tells it not to be random, you would think being totally random would be easier for it to work out.

I fear it is trying to infiltrate my mind, i do hope it is not.

Oh yes, this is Schrödinger cat.

Fight fight fight!!!

(Peter Kevinson. One of South Africa's leading cricketers)

I have a theory about the clashes along the Olympic torch route.

It has nothing to do with China's human rights record, i think it was people - who like me - belive that Konnie Huq and Denise Van Outen have no right to carry the torch in the first place.

Whatever have they done for the Olympics? I'm sure Van Outen played squash once, perhaps that is it.

What about all our up and coming athletes? You know the ones? The ones we tell not to be fat and to play sport. The ones we tell not to kill each other but spend time playing sport. Would be silly to show them we are backing all their effort.

Apparently at one point Sir Trevor McDonald had it. Why? If they wanted a Sir they should have used Sir Jimmy Saville!

Do you know, at one point Vanessa Mae was carrying it too. Not only is she not an athlete, she isn't even British!

Who, for gods sake, picked the list?

Mary Huq?
Tony Van Outen?
Doris McDonald?
Pat Mae?

I am at a loss for words.

Teh dhrb ahnvbt ahwifov.

Told you.

Roll up!

I think i saw one of the most distressing things in the world this morning whilst on the bus.

You know when you wipe your bottom after a poo and you look on the floor and there are some little bits of loo paper that have inadvertently ripped off mid clean?

I saw one of those escapees in a womens hair....i think.

If indeed it was an inadvertently ripped off piece of loo roll then i did indeed see one of the most distressing things in the world this morning.

The poor poor women.

I am sad...i think.

Wake me up, before you Lego go.

It's been a while, but get yourself over here and check out what this clever man has done.

Well done clever man, well blimin done.

More from me about Lego here and here.