Friday, February 29, 2008

Leap Year


Isn't it odd to think that this year we have all got a free day. Strange!

This year you are an extra day older! That is strange too!

And to think, this year you will actually be paid less as you are being paid for 366 days and not 365 days. We need to fight to make it a bank holiday!

And did you know, a person born on the 29th of February is known as a leapling?

And, if a women did ask a man to marry him today, you couldn't have an anniversary for another 4 years.

Stupid women, you have ruined it for everyone.

Goodbight

Thursday, February 28, 2008

That's not ham!


So I arrived at Waitrose to pick up my tea, spag bog was the order of the day. Picked up my onion, some cup mushrooms, couple of hundred KG's of minced beef all ready to return home and cook.

However, I was rather peckish so went up the meat isle (I beg your pardon) and picked up a little pack of ham to munch on on the way home.

I got back to my car, opened up the nice little plastic pack and dived in. After several chews of the ham I was aware that it really didn't have the consistency of our little piggy friends. I turned the light on in my car and found that the slices of ham were also a rather odd colour. Very orange. Like a duster. Ah, that's why it was only 75p, the ham was on its way out.

I continued to eat the orange ham as I was still rather peckish. Only then did I realise what was going on.

This wasn't ham!

It was vegetarian ham made of non ham!

Did you hear what I said?

It was vegetarian ham!

What In gods name is vegetarian ham?

What in gods name is surprisingly versatile ham style slices vegetarian ham?

When is ham not versatile anyway?

Would people be surprised by hams versatility?

I'm going off my point!

Ham? Vegetarian? Why? How?

Surely you are vegetarian because you hate the way hams are butchered in our abattoirs, you hate the idea of ham, so why would you ever want to buy surprisingly versatile ham style slices?

Hang on, a range of vegetarian meat! They are onto a winner. A brilliant concept!

Beef made of chickpea!

Lamb made of pasta!

It’s brilliant!

Beet meat!

I then went home and tucked into crushed cow, it was nice.

Monday, February 25, 2008

The Optamistic English


I saw this whilst walking the streets of London's exclusive Chelsea housing estate.

Is this the start of the end?

Is it?

Don't ask me.

I love football fans.


Footballers are generally a bunch of egotistical, under educated, aggressive, gob shites, however the fans that watch them prance around every Saturday are full of compassion and geniue love, they appear to be very different animals.

I went onto Youtube to find the footage of the 'horror tackle' that Arsenal's Eduardo received whilst playing Birmingham on Saturday. What I found filed my heart with warmth and happiness. Check out these few links. (Don't watch them if you don't want to see massive broken legs). I was just expecting to see MOTD footage of the incident with Lineker and Hanson ohhing and ahhing, but no, not at all.

Gasp of the slow zoom techniques. Sob at the authentic Hallmark words. Brim with pride at the touching humility of the sympathetic pans.

Football fans! I salute you, as does the fella above.

Friday, February 22, 2008

3 in a row!


Try and spot 3 or even 4 of the same cars in a row. They can't be in a show room or at a rally, they must be sitting happily in a street or carpark. Infact, just like Crisp Poker, different types of cars have different values. So, it might even be that 2 Jags take down 3 Golf's. It works wonderfully well internationally too. A couple of Hummers might beat the 2 Jags that just beat the 3 Golf's.

Anyway, see if you can find some, it's an exciting thought isn't it?

(i didn't take the above photo, it was taken by Chocosaur. I just stole it to demonstrate my idea)

((Thanks Chocosaur))
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And look, now with Flickr Group. Take it on

Ozzy Osbourne can count 1 higher than you


This is very very good indeed.

'Morgan Freeman likes to go naked'

And whilst on the subject, Kelly Osbourne, however much weight she has lost, still looks like Bo Selecta's Marilyn Manson.

Have you seen my manatee?

99p


I was thinking this morning as i purchased a bottle of water from my local shop - Why are things 99p? or £1.99? or £4.99?

Why are they not £1? or £2? or £5?

Is there a reason?

I am sure if you asked most people they would rather not have the hassle of waiting for the 1p change. And surely wasn't it the reason that bigger denominations of money were made in the first place? So we didn't have to carry around loads of little money to make up bigger amounts.

I can only think there is another reason.

After all, you wouldn't be able to say 'find a penny, pick it up, and all day, you'll have good luck' if we didn't have 1p's, and that would sadden me.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Vulnerable

Well there i was, searching for 'vulnerable' in Google images and i found this...

Isn't it just a great image.

It looks like The Queen is feeling vulnerable as one of her corgi's is having a poop just behind the camera set up.

And i love the fact that The Queen shops at Comet

'Philip, shall i get the optional 3 Year Cover, it's only another 99 pound'

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Lily livered idiot!!


I happened to catch some of the new Lily Allen TV show last night and i can safely say it was one of the most terrible, awful, hideous, cheap, unprofessional experiences i have ever clapped eyes on.

She has no personality at all. Perhaps she was just nervous, but she had no idea how to communicate with her guests, she simply sat and attempted to read autocue, which again, she couldn't do.

Again, i could put all this down to her inexperience at presenting, but surely she shouldn't have her own TV show if she can't present, read autocue, communicate, entertain, etc.

Bring back Charlotte Church of our Lord.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

'East Anglia, isn't that abroad?'

I went to Norfolk at the weekend. It was Norfolking wonderful!

Anyway, onto the story.

I believe I saw one of the most stupid motorists ever on our return Sunday night.

We were driving down the M11 and passed a man walking toward us with a petrol can. The poor soul had run out of petrol and was obviously trying to find the nearest supply, petrol is very hard to find on motorways, thats why we have big signs telling us of upcoming service stations.

Anyway, we continued on our drive and about a mile down the motorway we passed his stricken car. The poor car, left without a drop of petrol in its tank.

I also noted that about 1.5 metres infront of his stricken car there was a massive blue motorway sign, a bit like this...

These signs basically let the public know that there is a service station dead ahead with food and petrol in. This one, like the one above was half a mile ahead.

I hope that man managed to find petrol in the oppostie direction, like I said, petrol is really hard to find on the motorway.

My thoughts are with his family.

I love your hair!


Today at the train station I heard two live men discussing hair straighteners.

The one gentleman appeared to be having some trouble with his as he would straighten his hair, look in the mirror and find that his hair was pointing in all different directions. I could sense that he was blaming his tools as he explained them as 'fucking rubbish' as 'they were from Argos'.

I really felt for him, as he also preferred the hair of the other gentleman.

I will try and find them again soon and can only hope that he has purchased some new ones, perhaps his birthday is on the way.

'Dad, can you get me a new pair of hair sraighteners?'

...The mans casue of death appeared to be a pair of hair straighteners inserted forcfully into his rectum...

Thanks.

Forgotten brilliance!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Hon-duh!


Please please please can we stop all these awful international TV ads. Haven't we had enough!

The new Honda ad has an idea that could have been for any brand.

You can so spot the post-rationalisation of the idea. Lets just stick a strap line on the sums up the idea.

Dave - 'Chaps, lets make one of those big 3D puzzles and lets do something with Rubix Cubes'

Mike - 'But Dave, it has nothing to do with Honda or what Honda stand for?'

Mike - 'As long as we mention solving and playgrounds in the strapline Mike we will be fine'

Please please, lets move on.

Ahhhhhhhhhh, I'm happy now!

No, no i'm not, i just remembered this!!

What the f*&k are they thinking!! Terrible pile of shite!! Tell me, again, by putting the strap line 'Beautifully arranged' makes it alright does it? Does it?

Tell me a relevant story! Even the new Stella ad is a let down, and they have done some of the best ads ever.

Fuss on the bus.


Well there i was, sitting on the bus the other day, happy that there were no youth's at the back to antagonise with their wonderful R&B tunes, then, from the front, loud music!

I span around trying to find the source. It couldn't have been the pensioners chatting about chips. No way was it the mid forties couple not talking. Of course, there is no heavenly chance that it would have been the 3 angelic teenage girls with their back combed hair, large sunglasses and Kings Road postcode. I looked again! It was! It was the 3 angelic teenage girls with their back combed hair, large sunglasses and Kings Road postcode.

I very much wanted to go and tell them to shut up as i didn't think they would stick me one. Then i thought they might actually stab me with their riding wip or smack me with their croquet mallet, so sat in my seat in fear of what might happen if i approached.

Then it got me thinking?

Which is worse. A gang of school kids who don't know better, or a gaggle of well brought up girls who were spoon fed caviar as nippers? I'd go for the later.

Anyway, they got off soon after i joined the bus so my fear was short lived.

Thank heavens.

Friday, February 8, 2008

What has happened here?


I just saw this.

What has happened, why has this occured? Is it extraterrestrial? I don't understand? Do you? I don't!

If you had sat and consumed this amount of booze you would certainly have a 'Champain' in your head.

Get off, leave me alone.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The longest banananana ever?


I picked this out of the fruit bowl at work this morning.

I have never seen anything like it!

It is 30cm's long and has a circumference of 13cm's!

I am so terrified of it i have not been able to eat it.

Have you seen one bigger?

And that is a normal size pencil in the background, not some clever dwarf made to look small stunt pencil.

Incredible!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Cloverfields of gold!


I was lucky enough to be offered a free ticket to see Cloverfield.

Generally I don't turn down anything that is free. Fresh air, breathing, a bath, all free, and all things I rather enjoy, so I thought I would take up the free offer and pop along for a look. And might I say, I am glad I did take up the offer of seeing Cloverfield for free as I rather enjoyed it, even if I did spend half the film with my headphones in as the sound was SO FECKIN LOUD.

You get dropped into this bunch of peoples lives as the entire film is shot through the lens of someones Camcorder but there are no Witches and no Blairs, not even Leo. I must say, it was a bit like a long clip that you would see on You've Been Framed, god rest his soul.

And so there it starts. You are at a party in someones Manhatten flat when all hell breaks lose in NYC. Things blow up, head get ripped off, it goes dark, buildings collapse, people scream, aliens attack, guns fire, people scream, helicopter helicopt, bridges get destroyed, people get rescued, some people die, tanks get trodden on, little aliens bite, people get eaten, planes bomb, sirens scream, love get involved, familys mourn, people get impregnanted, and then he film ends. Simple as that.

It was actually really nice to have a film that didn't have a big story to get lost in. There was no start, middle, end. There weren't lots of characters to annoy you. There were no morals dished out like on He-Man. It was just a big slice of filty Sci Fi nonsense.

And thanks very much Mr J.J. Abrams, you have answered a question I have had going through my mind for ages - I wonder what would happen if a big lizard like alien suddenly took a dislike to New York and everyone in New York? Now I know.

NYC'ya!