Thursday, January 31, 2008

Jeremy Beadle


Generally i wax lyrical about The Sun and its magic words, but the above announcing the sad loss of Sir Beadle is just lazy!

He deserves much much better than this!

And whilst on the subject of Jeremy, i want to personally thank him, for it is my belief that without him, Jeremy Beadle, we would not have Harry Hills TV Burp - One of the best TV experiences ever made.

So thank you Jeremy Beadle, and sorry about the slack words on the front of The Sun, you were worth more.

Weight a minute!


Banuary is coming to a close, and who knows what will happen when it ends. A friend suggested that Febauchery could ensue. I will indeed let you know.

Anyway, the weight is still dropping off and i had a thought.

Weight Watchers should sponser lifts so that they let you know your weight when you get in them. It could come up on the little LED display.

Then, if you are on a diet you can keep an easy track of how you are doing day to day.

And here is another bit to my plan. If you are serious about losing weight you put on your bluetooth, so when you get in the lift the lift knows who you are. Then, it can keep track of whether you are indeed losing weight. If you have put weight on from one day to the next the lift doesn't work and you have to take the stairs thus making you lose weight.

Speaking of hilarious weight loss...

...one of the highlights of my year so far.

Nothing more to see, move on.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Invent ting.


Over dinner last night the lady and I were chatting, and all of a sudden, straight out of the blue, the question came, 'when was electricity invented?' I had no real idea of the actual date it was first demonstrated, so I used the internet to surf to a website and find out. It was 1878.

Then, without let up, another question smacked me in the gob! 'When was plastic invented?' Again, no real idea, so as before, I used the internet, and found out. It was 1907 when Bakelite was first used.

I wanted more. I couldn't stop learning. The phone. 1876. Do you know why it was called the phone? It was because the inventer, Alexander Graham Bell was a Cockney, from Bow, and he had a dog that used to sit in his lab and watch him invent. Anyway, during a magical day in 1876, big Al made it all work, then exclaimed 'it shall be known as the dog n' bone' His then wife changed it to 'phone', as it rhymed with his suggestion of dog n'bone. Interesting hey?

My learning was not complete. The TV. That was first shown in 1926. Good old Peter Panasonic.

I can't tell you how good I felt after finding all this out, so that is why you are reading this as I wanted you to feel good too. I hope it worked.

Stay tuned, more interesting historical facts to come.

Learn or burn.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Legoogle


Lego bricks are 50!

And to celebrate Google have the best homepage image ever!

And whilst on the subject, how can the Lego brick only be 50?

Surely they used Lego guns in the 1st World War!

'Medic, Medic, Private Arbuthnot has just been hit by a one'er!'

And just so you know, there are 2,400 different Lego brick shapes!

Throw some in celebration, shapes, not Lego.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Walls and spaces.

I went to The Design Museum this weekend to see an exhibiton by Jean Prouvé.

He was this amazing French chap who was a bit of an architect, designer, engineer. A damn fine chap who made an awful lot of things possible due to his need to experiment with new materials and building techniques. He was basically the Godfather of an awful lot of modern design and architecture.

Anyway, whilst there i was checking some architectural journals out and stumbled across some most beautiful buildings which i wanted to share with you.

Firstly The Arango Residence in Acapilco, Mexico. This most beautiful building was designed by John Lautner. It looks like the sort of thing that would have been turning up on Yes album covers.

Next was the works of Tadao Ando.

He created The Church of Light.

A church made of concrete i hear you shout. You wouldn't would you? He would! And how nice it is. Imagine dropping a few prayers on a wonderful winter morning, light bellowing in from all angles.

Then we have Alvar Aalto, who, like Jean Prouvé dipped into many creative pies. Again, most of his work was particularly functional

Unstudio is a Dutch firm who do some most incredible things. They created this most amazing building in New York. The interior and exterior shapes are incredible.

Anyway, that really was just a bit of a dump, and a very nice dump!

That's it, i'm done.

Richard, can you come to the diary room please.


Day 23 into Banuary and I can safely say that I have noticed a difference.

I awoke on Monday morning feeling really bright and alert. I felt far more awake than you should after a weekend. I have heard that it takes 3 weeks for alcohol to be totally removed from your system, and that just happens to coincide with my feeling good.

I was so amazed on how I felt that I was, for a split second, prepared to make Banuary a 60 day month. It might still happen.

I can well recommend the Banuary feeling to anyone, it's rather good. Even my brain feels tipity top.

Mr T Total's wagon has safety bars and harnesses, there is no way he could possibly fall off.

And, in the grand scheme of it all, it is lager that has made me feel this way.

Stella is my nurse mopping my brow.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Shirtmakers

I seem to be rather interested in finding words at the moment.

So, on that theme i found this at the weekend.

I wonder if you, the ordinary members of the public, could find more hilarious word plays in places you wouldn't expect them.

Have a look around you, they are closer than you think.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Gold run!

I found this the other day.

'PLOP'

You can write 'PLOP' without having to take your finger off the keyboard.

Do you see what i mean? P, then down and left to L, then up and left to O, then right, back to P.

It's a bit like Blockbusters when they did a Gold Run.

I'm sure if you are clever you could indeed find some other words on the keybaord.

Thanks keys.

Isn't it nice when...

...you see something with your initials on?

I was watching some shite TV the other day, and delightful Dunst turned up in this tat film with my initials emblazoned across her chest. (see Fig A)


Fig A

I have no idea of what the feeling was that went through me when i saw delightful Dunst with my initials emblazoned across her chest, but it was certainly a feeling of some sort, perhaps it was just the fact that delightful Dunst had my initials emblazoned across her chest, but i think it was more than just groinal.

Keep your eye open and see if you have the same feeling when you see yours, and i'm sorry, but i don't think you will get your initials emblazoned across delightful Dunsts chest.

Yawning


Have you ever noticed, if you are listening to music through in-ear headphones and you yawn the music appears to speed up.

Try it.

Rather odd wouldn't you say.

Goodbye

Friday, January 11, 2008

I am Pretty Rubbish


I went to see I am Legend last night. I had read reviews and went to make my own mind up. Oh, and perhaps i should mention here that if you haven't seen it and are thinking of going, look away now - as they say on the news before Match of the day.

Well, as you might be able to tell from the title of this post i wasn't all that impressed at all.

I thought the first 50 minutes of it, when the Fresh Prince was on his own with his dog, were ok. There were some pretty nice scenes of empty NYC and you sort of got a feeling that he really was alone and his dog was all he had to keep him from going mad. Oh, and there was a great bit which brought back the fear of the dark like Blair Witch did. Wonderful.

But then, when the CGI zombies came out it just lost all appeal. In 28 Days and Dawn of the Dead the nasty folk where real people, running and paniking, you really were scared by what they could do to you, but when they are CGI it just doesn't work, the way they run, the way they looked, it was such a let down, and that ruined my experience.

The film did hold together in the second half, there was a great bit with zombie dogs, but i think it could and should have been so much better as an overall experience. Oh, and apparently the book is totally different.

Zombie movies are so much better on a smaller budget, or like Dusk till Dawn when it is just pointless limb ripping fun.

Anyway, go and see it if you happen to find a tenner on the floor, other than that wait until it is on Channel 5 at 9 on a Sunday.

Will Smith? I don't think he will.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Gym and Tonic


Well, Banuary still roles on and it got me thinking.

They should open a gym for people like me who like booze.

Here's the clever bit. The gym also brews incredible ale and lager.

So, you get a personal trainer who uses drink as an incentive to make you workout harder.

'20 minutes more on the bike Richard and you can have half a pint of our wonderful winter warmer'

You see, you can't get this beautiful booze anywhere else but the gym, so it makes you go back there to drink their special brew.

A brilliant thought i am sure you will agree.

Here's to Gym and Tonic.

Bird turd

A bird shat almost hit me this morning.

Wasn't it lucky that it didn't!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Tele-graf


Graffiti seems to have been a theme recently.

Well i just saw this STOP

Graffiti obviously written by an old boy who thought you had to use telegram style punctuation STOP

STOP

JAN HAMMERTIME

Monday, January 7, 2008

Mu-sick!


Please please please put a stop to ads with cute acapella music on.

The new Audi ad for the R8 perfectly highlights my point. Some cute plincky ploncky music sung by an odd European or Brazilian who has happened to write a few lyrics roughly relevant to a car. That sort of music is the modern equivalent of clip art.

I honestly don't understand why ad agency's don't commission artists to write a song for the car they are advertising. Then call it something relevant to the car, for example, 'Ford' by 'Clio', and before you know you'll have all them pointless Radio DJ's screaming your cars name. You never know it might even end up 'and at number one this week, Octavio by Skoda'.

Yes, perhaps not then.

Zoom zoom zoom.

Tate That and party.


I went to the Tate to see the Turner Prize retrospective yesterday as I really wanted to see Damien Hirst's Mother and child. It was awesome to see it in the flesh, although obviously the flesh was soaked in formaldehyde.

Whilst there I also had a poke around Simon Starlings Shedboatshed which I personally think is a master piece. I love the idea behind it, and I guess that is why we question what indeed is art as there wasn't a paint stroke in sight, apart from Cuprinol on wood?

There were indeed loads of paintings and sculptures there, but these weren't the pieces that appealled to me.

Gormleys bronze statues were there. I love the sinister nature of them, although, admittedly, the ones exhibited weren't in anyway sinister as they were all bent double.

Photos of the house which Rachel Whiteread filled with concrete was at the exhibition. It was great looking at the photos of the negative space and imagining people living in that space, opening the windows and doors, stoking the fire.

But, however much I love shedboatshed it was Gillian Wearing's '60 minutes of Silence' which I thought was most magical. It was basically a full size video of 25 actors dressed as policemen and policewomen sitting posing for a photo. They had to sit looking into the camera for 60 minutes whilst scratching, looking, fidgeting and generally getting bored. I just sat and watched them sitting. It was zen like. Apparently after an hour one of the faux cops gives out a massive scream to break the 60 minutes of silence. It was ace.

Anyway, I have already written to much. Modern art is good, and the Turner Prize, although a victim of it's own success, is good too.

Let's have a massive Tate Art Attack. I'll give Buchanan a call.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Good luck?


I'm sure you are aware that it is considered extremely good luck if a bird does a whoopsy on you.

Well i was thinking, surely it is much luckier if the shite doesn't hit you?

I would certainly say 'phew, that was lucky' as a bird poo flew past my head and landed just by my shoes/trainers.

Anyway, that was it, i'm all done.

And i love the idea that, like us, birds have foreheads. I wonder if bald eagles go around slapping each others foreheads bellowing 'slap head'?

I hope so. I really do.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

And so the carnage begins.

As i pointed out earlier, my first ever post was about the forgotten christmas tree..

Well, this years murder and hate has begun.

Walking to lunch i saw 3 already discarded trees.



It is so sad to see, they give so much happiness, yet die in the gutter.

I might start a shelter for them. Give them little gifts to put under them, maybe a spray of fake snow instead of a mug of soup.

Please help.

Happy birthday to you.


Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear All Hail the Hale,
Happy birthday to you.

'Hip hip.........'
'why was he born so beautiful, why was he born at all.......'

Yeah yeah.

Today, my blog is 1.

Please raise a cup of tea and wish All Hail the Hale a happy birthday.

For it was on this day last year that i wrote about the plight of the poor poor Christmas tree.

Well, i am going to write about trees again as i have already seen my first tree tucked up nice in Maida Vale.

So, again, if you happen to see any then please take a picture of the poor thing and send it to me.

And remember, a tree isn't for life, it is just for christmas.

Fingo.


Well i was thinking, you know all those Foxtons mini's that race around the country looking really cool, i think they should have a national game of bingo using them as the numbers.

Basically all those cool mini's have a number on them. When you see one out and about you take a photo and upload it onto your bingo card on their site.

Once you find all of them, you exclaim 'house' and they give away a house!

You could even have bingo lines that then convert to free stuff, like not paying fees, etc etc.

Foxtons, we love you, we promise, we really do, yes honestly.

Banuary!


Happy New Year one and all.

I appeared to eat and drink to much over that yule thing, so i have decided to take on 'Banuary'.

It is a month where i will not drink booze and i will not eat shite food.

This is not a resolution as they are pointless and make you feel rubbish, it is simply a more considered approach to eating and drinking.

Please fell free to join me on my journey.

Thanks

And, whilst looking up how to spell resollution i found this.

I especially enjoy;

'Employ some blind call centre agents.

There are some 200,000 blind or partially sighted people out there, who would make great call centre operators. Make this year’s resolution to employ a blind call centre agent.'

I love the way they think all blind people would make 'great call centre operators'.

Perhaps there are some blind people, who, just like sighted people, would make terrible call centre operators.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.